“A river overflowing with rainbows is out the library window to my left – Japanese graduation ceremony: kimonos aplenty.
In the past week, the only time I’ve been in Japan without internet access, I have had some of the most out of this world experiences. I have written a bit in the previous entry below, but here is the huge blog entry to update you guys properly.
First things first – I went to the gym. My first time lifting properly since coming to Japan. Good – gym is small and cramped. Better – gym has all the essentials. Best – my body tolerated squats for the first time in over 2 years. Righteous. Furthermore I benched properly with a load heavier than I anticipated. Nice.
I successfully found the coffee shop of my dreams in Yokohama. It’s on the top floor of the Landmark Tower – the tallest building in Japan, looking over a serene sea of lights. The atmosphere is in one word: expensive. I felt a bit uptight sitting down at the bar, as if I had walked into Armani expecting the GAP, ordering coffee instead of champagne. But you make the best of your surroundings and change the air to your liking. I struck up a conversation with the sharply dressed bartender, only to find he had studied abroad in Seattle, living less 15 minutes from my fraternity. In that instant, looking down on the massive Minato Mirai from the 70th floor of the Landmark Tower, I realized: It really is a small world after all. They’re like little ants! We continued to chat for over an hour and he kindly handed me 2 discount passes on my way out. “”Be sure to bring your girlfriend,”" he said with a smile.
Speaking of my girlfriend – I am currently in the stage two aftershock from meeting 吏紗. Until now, every relationship of mine has lasted less than 4 months. There’s a empty box somewhere full of reasons why I never broke the 100 day barrier. Perhaps I was scared of commitment. Perhaps I found the person I was dating turned out different from the ‘romantic projection’ I created. You suddenly find yourself surrounded by gorgeous women all of which are more beautiful, intelligent, and fun loving than your current girlfriend. Maybe. “”I rushed into things too fast.”" I really should have dated Sally instead of Suzy. By the turn of month 3, the decline becomes strong and I feel the friction dissipating beneath me. But things only flow forward with 吏紗.
Right at the point where I typically foresee the inevitable, a pleasant tremor ruptured the ground below me, creating a new ripple in romance. Stage two aftershock – instead of petrifying with time, i simply grow closer to 吏紗. I become more interested and attracted to her in every aspect each time we meet. With my constantly changing aspirations, dreams, and overly active mind, the one constant is variable 吏紗. She is the light of my life. I really love her.
Which brings me to my next point. Guilt. What does guilt mean to you? For me, you cut the 3rd and 4th letter from the word, leaving “”gut.”" Now, using your right fist, punch that organ with a ferocious velocity. The feeling echoing in your stomach is known as guilt. A feeling of wrongdoing, typically in the moral sense. Lately I’ve been experiencing a sense of guilt I will coin here as “”wtf guilt.”"
“”wtf guilt”" is the emotion that surfaces after receiving something you believe to be unjustly yours. For example, finding the keys to the ferrari parked in your front yard or dating the girl of your dreams. Lately, I’ve been plagued with a sense of “”wtf guilt”" that left me rather confused for a while. You see it works something like this:
About 8 months ago, people stopped being mean to me, completely. I’m not entirely sure why. Family, friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers treat me with hearts full of newborn rabbits and words soothed with aquafresh. When I met 吏紗, she gave me a pair of reality amplifiers and the entire beautiful experience became even more acute. The music is clear, the dining is fine, and the love is strong. I realized how lucky I am in every sense of life and that I truly have nothing to complain about.
Honestly.
Which left me at a strange position. What do I do? I’ve walked through a door that most people never find. I’ve found the key to happiness and have long since been chilling in the lounge of joy. And thus recently, the “”wtf guilt”" has began to set in. Why do I deserve this? Upon further research I found a second question that trumped the first:
What can I do to pull more people through the gates of heaven?
And then I thought about it. and then I thought about it. and then I smiled. and then I realized that’s all we can do.
Smile.”