Hello friends, Dogentricks.com here.

Today, I’d like to discuss, ramble rather, on a particular topic that has been playing tag with my daydreams for months: success.

What is success? Until about halfway through my 2nd year of college, my perception of the concept was extremely limited–not to say that it still isn’t. In recent years, however, I have come to prod my own personal definition of the term, and it’s various connotations. This blog entry, in addition to everyday prose practice, is a critical critique of social success.

A beautiful wife, two children, and a BMW 6 Series–if I only had these, my life would be grand. Would it? What about two beautiful wives, no children, and a Ferrari Enzo? That seems a bit more interesting. How about no wives, 5 sex slaves, and a dozen Bugatti Veyrons? Now that would be something. Or, what about an ugly witch of an ex-wife, 10 children, and a 50 CC Vespa? No, no, we’re getting off track.

Back to Bugatti: the Veyron–fastest car in the world. If I had a Bugatti Veyron, would that make me successful? Certainly, scantily clad, and perhaps attractive women would throw themselves at the person behind the perfect purple paint. Would that make me successful? What if they were, and believe me this is hypothetical, aesthetically perfect 10s (they don’t actually exist), and smart enough to catch up with my slower than average wit? What if they were smarter than me? What if they were Harvard Law cheerleaders—all looking to spend time with Dogentricks.com? Ha! That’d be bloody brilliant! Now you’ve got me sounding like a real chap.

What if they were all Japanese, Harvard Law Cheerleaders. No, what if it was THE Harvard Law Cheerleader—the captain, and obviously, the most attractive. And what if, for whatever reason, she’s been struck with ‘LLingeritis.’ That is, the unless wearing silk or lace lingerie, she feels completely naked. It’s a terrible virus, really. So superwoman wants my babies, now what? Well you get on the back of that horse and hold on for your dear life.

As if! Ho ho ho. Dogentricks.com doesn’t want superwoman. Dogentricks.com doesn’t want a Bugatti Veyron. Dogentricks.com doesn’t want your attention! There’s only one thing in the world that he wants, and that is this coffee. Why? Because it’s perfect. This coffee is perfect. I bought it for 120 yen at the laundry room approximately 42 steps my front door. Everytime I throw my clothes into the overpriced coin dryer, I buy a Kirin Coffee. Then, I come back to my apartment and climb into my loft. There, I snap the tab of the gold aluminum casing and indulge myself to ‘coffee with the fine taste and aroma of beans brewed within 18 hours of grinding.’ I indulge in this, and in some form of stringed music. Today is Batman, by Hans Zimmer.

Back to Bugatti. No wait, we already talked about that. Do you want kids? Do I want kids? Have I honestly ever thought, “Gee, I can’t wait until the day when a miniature human comes out of my wife!” WOW that sounds really terrible—much too harsh. Let’s try one more time. I’ve never asked the lord for a child. I’ve never had the urge to smell a placenta. Baby Kevin. Umbilical cord. Infant. Epidural. What does any of this have to do with me?

It’s the coffee. The caffeine is doing this to me. I cycle coffee in month long stages–this is the first stimulant I’ve had indaysandIcanREALLYFEELIT! No matter, no matter. What would a child do for me? Hard to say, as I can only imagine the concept from the perspective of a man, and not a father. It’s the only perspective I’ve got. It can’t be helped if I can’t appreciate a child–I don’t have one, and I’m certainly not going to fertilize anything simply to gain a new insight! What if it smelled? Kids don’t smell, but babies smell. Bam! Jurassic Park quote for you, right there.

We’ve all be raised into thinking we’re going to grow up and have picture perfect families. We’ve all been raised into believing this is what we want. A stable marriage is the halfway point, two healthy children and the means to support them are the summit of success. If you get this far, you’ve made it. Then, you can start thinking about the Bugatti, and throwing your mini-me’s in the back on the way to Safeway. Make a tally of every thumbs up you get on the way.

Hold up–who ever decided kids were the way to go. You get kids and as I see it two things happen: You come to appreciate the Lion King on a whole new level, and you lose a lot of free time. You’ve got to provide and/or raise the most serious STD of all–a human! Perhaps you’ll find a newfound joy along the way. Is anyone going to remember you for it? Anyone, besides the sexually transmitted descendent itself? Is this success? Let’s consult every Zen master’s best friend: Ralph Waldo Emerson.

To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

Doh, you’ve betrayed me, Ralph. Seems you’ve given your vote to procreation, although whoever you have entrusted to transcription has misplaced a comma. You leave me no choice. Looks like I’ll have to call your BFF, Mr. Thoreau! What’s that? You were never married? Oh ra-heelee? What’s that, you say? Those with perpetual dreams cannot suffer from the mid life crisis? What do you mean, Henry?

Well, Dogentricks.com, let me explain. My 5th grade teacher once told me that excellence in profession, regardless of class, leads to success. So, I decided to live in the woods for a few years. I never really did anything but scribble notes in a small room, but now I’m thought of as one of the most brilliant minds in history! Pretty cool, right?
“Wow Henry, how’d you manage that one?”
“Well, I put some sticks together in the shape of a triangle, and then sat beneath it and looked at deer.”
“No no, I mean why did your writing make you famous? ”
“Probably because I never got married! Hahaha!”
“What? How do I shot web?”
“You think I could’ve peaced out into the woods for years on end if I had a wife and kids?”
“Hmm, that does sound a bit unreasonable.”
“Exactly. So, I was like F you hoes, I’m going to go play in my tree house–forever.”
“Oh, Henry, you really are quite the transcendentalist!”
“Totally, right?”

“By the way, Henry.”
“Yes?”
“Have you ever owned a Bugatti Veyron?”
“Mayonnaise!”

Imagine a world without sexual attraction. Does marriage exist without hormones? In other words, would you ever marry your same sex best friend? Where’s the motivation? Are we subconsciously driven by the concept of perpetual sex, be it in marriage or not? Or, do we settle down doing the things we actually love? Do we develop an unparalleled focus and sharpen our every sense, without the constant nagging of NARBS? Probably. That sounds like the world for me. That sounds like a world I would like to live in. In death I’d like to sit down with Leonidas at a table in Hell and laugh over our legacies. Wait a second, you were married too, Leonidas! Looks like I’ll have to settle with James Buchanan Jr.

Who wants to have dinner with James Buchanan Jr. Lame.